This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
by Mac's Back
Summary: And you thought the Dream Team was dysfunctional while asleep. Ficlet collection.
1. Test Run

**WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS**

What follows here is a collection of short 'Inception' ficlets based on conversations between myself and the lovely Miss Burke. They're little something-somethings that she suggested I share with the world, and so here they are. Hopefully they'll amuse you as much as they did us.

Heads up for language, adult themes, exasperated Dom, a lack any sense of or respect for continuity, as well as Arthur and Eames being absolute cads.

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><p><span>Part 1: <span>_Test Run_

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><p>Gasping awake, Eames moved quickly from the shock of being killed to frustration with being awake.<p>

"You're back too early," Dom observed. "Something go wrong?"

Eames frowned in the still-sleeping Arthur's direction.

"_He_ did."

Before Dom had the chance to ask what the hell Eames had meant, Arthur sat up and neatly removed his IV line. Eames yanked his out with far less delicacy.

"And what on God's green just happened?"

"It was a dream, Eames. A test run. A chance to iron out some kinks. We found one, and now we can fix it. There's a problem here?"

"You shot me!"

"I'll make sure the safety's on next time," Arthur said, brushing a possibly non-existent piece of lint off his sleeve as he pulled it down.

"_You pointed damn thing at me and shot_."

"Like I said, safety on next time."


	2. Boy's Club

Part 2: _Boy's Club_

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><p>"So," Dom said as he shut the warehouse door after entering, and both Arthur and Eames looked up from the blueprint they'd been studying.<p>

"So?" Eames asked.

"So Sarah's taking off. "

Arthur frowned. "Damn."

"Damn?" Dom said, rather incredulously. "We're losing a fantastic extractor, and all you can say is _damn_?"

He shrugged. "She was a great girl."

It was Eames who was stifling a laugh while murmuring something along the lines of _you mean a great lay_, and Dom who was raking a hand through his hair.

"You know this is exactly why we can't even have a secretary, right?"

"To be fair, Amanda came on to me."

"You used that excuse for Genevieve too."

"And Mariah," Eames added helpfully. "Though Amanda _did _come on to him. Pretty thing, she was."

Arthur leaned back in his chair. "Oh, come on. Did you not see how good Sarah looked in that skirt?"

Dom's mouth twitched.

"...that's beside the point."

The smile Arthur gave was serpentine. "You're just jealous because I got under it. Also, you just proved my point."

Dom's mouth twitched again, more perceptibly this time.

"That's it. That is _it. _No more women on the team."

"_What?_" Eames and Arthur said in perfect synchronicity.

"You heard me," Dom fired back, his confidence growing with every word. "No more women on the team. If you can't work nicely with them, then we won't have them at all."

Eames threw up his hands. "That's it. I'm out of here."

Sitting up straight once more, Arthur's eyes narrowed.

"My libido hates you, Dom."

"Your libido almost got us a sexual harassment complaint!"

"Because there's totally a regulatory agency overseeing what we do. And for the record, that was Eames."

"Oh, fuck you," Eames growled. "How was I supposed to know you two were screwing like rabbits?"

"You mean besides the fact that she left some of her lingerie in my office?"

Unsure of any other possible course of action, Dom headed back for the warehouse door and left. There was a bar just down the way that served some really good scotch, and it was becoming rapidly apparent that he needed one. Arthur and Eames could work out whatever it was on their own.

What Dom missed as he nursed back his drink wasn't pretty. The open area of the warehouse became a battle zone in which Arthur and Eames proceeded to attempt to kill one another.

Fifteen minutes later, the two of them were collapsed on the floor, bloody, bruised, breathing hard, and clothes in disarray.

Eames reached up to his desk, grabbing a pack of cigarettes and laying back down. Lighting one up with a match from a book in his pocket, he took a pull at it with one hand, and then dropped the used match in the garbage can at his right side with the other.

"Nice right hook, by the way," he said, offering the cigarette to Arthur, who accepted gladly.

"Thanks," Arthur said, passing the cigarette back after a deep drag. "You've got to tell me where you picked up that sweep kick one day."

"British military. No-one ever thinks their combat training is worth a tinker's damn, but it's surprisingly thorough."

The two passed the cigarette back and forth in companionable silence.

Arthur looked pensive for a moment as he sucked back the last dregs of it. "Of course, we can never speak of this again."

"Well, that goes without saying."

Matching hums of agreement were made, and the two then set to cleaning up the warehouse. No sense in leaving any evidence.


	3. Eight Rules

Part 3: _Eight Rules for Working With My Brand New Architect_

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><p>"And this is the warehouse," Dom said, gesturing widely . "It's going to be our base of operations."<p>

Ariadne looked around with what was a combination of awe and fascination.

"Do you want to go get yourself some coffee? We've got a long day ahead of us, and you'll probably need the caffeine. I'll introduce you to Arthur once you're back."

"Alright," she answered, a little suspicious, but heading for the door anyway. "I'll be back in ten."

Arthur, who had been watching this exchange from his desk with interest, piped up.

"Who was that?"

"Ariadne, our new architect. I sent her out because you and I need to have a talk."

"What about? We've got an architect now, Eames will be here soon, and we can get started on this whole project."

"I have eight rules for you."

Arthur rolled his eyes. "Of course you do."

"You have a history, Arthur."

Arthur rubbed his eyes. "Are you ever going to get over the Sarah thing?"

Dom proceeded to count off each point on his fingers.

"No sex with Ariadne. No dream sex with Ariadne. No thinking about dream sex with Ariadne. No dating Ariadne. No dating Ariadne. No making lewd comments to Ariadne. No behaviour that isn't perfectly professional with Ariadne. No propositioning Ariadne. No getting Eames to proposition Ariadne for you. No manipulation of Ariadne into propositioning you."

Pushing aside the realization that Dom had closed a good deal of his usual loopholes, Arthur pointed out the obvious.

"That's nine rules."

"THEY ALL APPLY." Dom sighed heavily. "Promise me you'll behave, Arthur. Please. Miles will kill me otherwise. And then I will kill you."

"Alright, alright. I promise. Ariadne's virtue is safe."

Dom nodded, at least somewhat satisfied. What he probably didn't realize was that he had, conveniently, forgotten to ban flirting, making out, heavy petting, and a good deal of other fun things. Arthur could work with that.


End file.
